Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 84952 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 425(@200wpm)___ 340(@250wpm)___ 283(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84952 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 425(@200wpm)___ 340(@250wpm)___ 283(@300wpm)
Images of Bellamy’s grandparents filter through my mind. They made love look so easy. They fought. They forgave. They loved. They showed me that love can sustain a relationship. It can sustain a marriage when both people are committed to put in the work. Giving up wasn’t an option.
It makes my tears fall again.
“I wanted someone to look at me like I was the most important thing in the world to him. That would tell the whole universe that I was his girl,” I say, wiping my cheeks. “That’s all. I didn’t want money or cars or fame. I just wanted to find my best friend and to create a beautiful corner of the world just for us.”
My words stall in my throat.
Hollis stands in front of me. His arms hang at his sides.
“And I found you,” I say, the words so muffled that I don’t know if he can hear me. “And you don’t want me.”
“That’s not it,” he says quickly. “I swear that’s not it.”
“Then what is it?”
He looks me in the eye. I think he’s trying to put up a front and make me think he believes his own bullshit, but it doesn’t work.
“You have to find the person in your life that you can share stuff with,” he says. “Find the door you should walk through. And I’m not that guy. I’m not,” he says again as though saying it twice will make it more believable. “I have nothing to share with you. And eventually, you’d realize that.”
I cover my face with my hands and cry. I cry for me, for him, for a life we could’ve figured out. Together.
I’m sure of it. I’m sure we could’ve made something work. It’s too good between us to have failed.
Only it did.
The realest thing I’ve ever experienced is over.
He doesn’t come to me, and he doesn’t reach out. But I don’t reach for him either. Why make things harder?
I get myself under control the best I can and look up at him through blurry eyes. I take in the last glimpse of Hollis Hudson that I’ll probably ever have and commit it to memory.
“Eventually, you’ll realize there are people in the world who love you,” I whisper. “And you pushed them all away. Just remember that I was one of them.”
He just looks at me, and I can’t take it.
I turn on my heel and leave the only man I’ve ever loved behind. I’m walking away at what I had stupidly believed might be my slice of happiness. And even though my heart aches to an unfathomable level, I’m also hurting for Hollis.
That man is filled with so much goodness, strength of character, loyalty, and … well, love. I’m so afraid he’ll always be alone because he refuses to see all that. He won’t accept it.
It’s not right. It’s so terrible.
But there is absolutely nothing I can do.
Twenty-Four
Hollis
My luggage is gathered and on the other bed.
As soon as the sun comes up, I’m going to get up and drive to the ocean. I haven’t had a day sitting on the sand in three or four years. Hopefully, the salty air will clear my head, and I can show up to the Catching-A-Care thing without wanting to hurl.
Then I’ll come back here, grab my shit, and go back to campus.
I roll over onto my side. A spring I can’t escape stabs me in the hip.
Even the bed is pissed at me.
“I hate you, too,” I tell it.
It cares about as much as anyone does when I dislike them.
This was the longest day of my life. The afternoon melted into the evening, and the evening got dark lasted forever. The nighttime has worn on and on. I’ve just laid here and sulked.
It’s not my fault things are this way. I’m just really glad I understand the reality of shit so I can act accordingly.
Could I have fucked around with Larissa? For sure.
Would that have been the right choice? Nah.
Do I have to pay the price for trying to do the right thing? Of course.
And I will. I will pay the price because I love her.
My body stills against the unyielding spring. My breathing stops. I mull that word in my mind. I sit with it. I feel the vibrations of it from head to toe.
“Do I?” I ask aloud, as if the fucking spring will back off and squeak out an answer.
I don’t know if I do or not. I don’t know what love means, really.
I also don’t know if it matters.
The only thing I can compare this to is Crew and River. And that’s not an exact comparison. I’d take a bullet for those guys. I’ve taken massive hits to protect them on the field more times than I can count. I’ll show up for them every time they need me.