Total pages in book: 83
Estimated words: 78765 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 394(@200wpm)___ 315(@250wpm)___ 263(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 78765 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 394(@200wpm)___ 315(@250wpm)___ 263(@300wpm)
“Stop.”
She swallows, rocks back on her heels a little. That glittering in her eyes is vulnerability. I was too young to recognize it before, but I’m older now. And I see what drove me to protect Nicole and her feelings. I have the same drive now, but…the same solution won’t work. Not for me and not for her.
“What?” she prompts me, chin firm.
What, indeed? I’m at a crossroads. I’ve been standing in the middle of it, not sure which path I’m supposed to be on. Being pulled in two directions. Past and present. Not sure if I was just pretending to be this new person. A woman with a career and a boyfriend and a paycheck. I can see now, though, as I’m looking at my best friend through an entirely new lens…that I have grown up. I’m different. There are things of value in my life that have nothing to do with advantages. I earned them by being me. I made friends. I fell in love with a man.
Oh wow.
Yeah, I love Aiden. The way down deep kind of love.
I can keep him. I can allow myself to accept the new good in my life. I will.
Can I do that without abandoning Nicole, though? Our friendship shaped me. Before it became toxic, it was important to me. She’s someone I can’t help but still love, too, no matter what has happened between us. Or the destruction our relationship caused. It’s going to be a part of me forever, whether I like it or not.
“Nicole…” I twist my bangs back behind my ear, looking her in the eye. Dr. Skinner’s words drift back to me through the distance and for once, I don’t need them memorized. They come out naturally. “You’re my best friend. If you’re going to be in my life, though, I need you to understand it’s going to be separate from yours. I need you to understand that we’re two different people with separate choices.” Heat rushes in against the backs of my eyes. “I got my first paycheck today. And I’m proud of it. I’m proud of myself for starting over even though it was scary and I felt like a fake. Yes, I had help. I had a lot of help and you deserve the same. You always have.” She looks away sharply, her lower lip trembling and I take an unsteady breath, forcing out the rest. “You can stay here while we find you a place. While we get you a job. I’m not abandoning you. But I’m not abandoning myself for you, either. Stop feeling bad for yourself and putting it on me, Nicole. I’m not having that shit anymore, do you understand?”
Seconds pass that feel like hours.
There is a Christmas Eve party happening down the hall and the distant laughter and scent of burned poultry drifts between us, punctuating the silence. I’m holding my breath, adrenaline firing in my veins like tiny bullets, making me lightheaded. I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe it, but I won’t take it back, because I meant every word. I’m finally being truthful with her. With myself.
“Yeah,” she says, blowing out a breath, her entire demeanor softened. Even relaxed. “I understand.”
“Thank you,” I respond, voice firm. I don’t know where the bravery inside me is coming from. Maybe it’s everything I’ve accomplished recently. Maybe it’s newfound confidence. Or perhaps I’m in love with an optimist and he’s rubbed off on me. I don’t know, but I close the distance between me and Nicole, taking her by the shoulders. “You are strong. You can do this. You can be someone you’re proud of. Tomorrow can be a great day.”
She bursts into a tearful laugh. “God. When did you get so fucking corny?”
My answering laugh is real, genuine and it comes easy. So easy. “Corny is underrated.”
We back away, swiping at our eyes. With this lightness in my chest, I could float away. I’ve been walking around with a pile of bricks trapped to my body. They’re gone now and there is only one person I want to share this weightlessness with. He’d already taken away some of those bricks, but I had to shed the rest of them myself. I wasn’t able to give myself completely to my relationship with Aiden before, but I am now. And there’s nothing I want more. I belong with him and he belongs with me. There’s not a single doubt in my head any longer.
Please, please, don’t let my fears have ruined everything.
“I have somewhere I need to be,” I murmur.
Her immediate impulse is to complain about that, but she pulls back. Nods. “Sure.”
I turn and find my jacket, zipping it back on. “There is food in the fridge.” I wait for eye contact. “You can put your jacket down wherever you want.”