Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 82543 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 413(@200wpm)___ 330(@250wpm)___ 275(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82543 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 413(@200wpm)___ 330(@250wpm)___ 275(@300wpm)
Something happens to his face. It’s not a wince, but it’s close.
“Oh, that wasn’t an invitation. I’m just pointing out that’s what they think. I guess now if you’re over your performance anxiety of being with a guy, you’ll want to spread yourself around the entire queer population at FU.”
Peyton shakes his head. “I’m not that type of guy. I rarely hook up.”
“That’s not what I heard.”
He pulls back. “What did you hear?”
“That you don’t do serious. Casual only.” And that was as heartbreaking as thinking he was straight.
“Ah. Well, yeah, that is true. I have to focus on football. Relationships and marriage can come after I’ve won my first Super Bowl.”
That part of me that has been in denial about moving here because of the feeling Peyton gave me four years ago can finally admit that it wasn’t only freedom I was chasing.
It was Peyton himself.
Because hearing that he’s straight would be one thing. Hearing that he’s bi but still unavailable? It might be the most heartbreaking thing yet.
Nothing is ever going to happen between us because I’ve already done the casual thing. I’ve done the exploring, the secret meet-ups, the whole closeted dance. That’s all I could ever be to Pey because he hasn’t finished with that yet. He hasn’t even started.
Coming to FU wasn’t a mistake—this is the life path I want to take—but I can no longer deny that Peyton was a factor in it.
He was a big one, and denying it for so long in hopes I’d believe it has done nothing to dim the disappointment as I come to terms that something with Peyton is not on the table.
Multiple servers arrive with an array of dishes, but I’ve suddenly lost my appetite.
CHAPTER SIX
peyton
The food arrives, and I dig in, trying to tell myself to only taste everything. Puking in the middle of my game tomorrow for all of ESPN to see is not my idea of a good time. But when I look over at Levi, he’s not eating at all.
“Can’t choose where to start?” I say around a mouthful of fried scampi.
“Something like that.” He reaches for the brown paste that has no right to be called food with how it looks.
I watch as he spreads it on a cracker and lifts it to his mouth. “Is that as gross as it looks?” I ask.
He holds it out for me. “You should try it.”
“I’ll pass. I like my food not to look like it’s already been digested.”
He laughs. “Just as well. It’s pâté.”
“What is pâté?”
Levi grins. “Liver.”
“Why would anyone want to eat that?”
“Because it’s delicious.”
“I guess you think caviar is delicious too.” I shudder.
“That’s actually one thing I do find gross.”
“Oh, good. One thing we have in common, then.”
Levi takes another bite of liver, and I have to say, I was contemplating kissing him tonight to see if it still has the same effect on me as it did four years ago, but now … no, thank you. All I’ll be able to think about is liver breath.
He swallows his bite. “You’d think for two people brought up in the same city, in the same school, we’d have more in common than hating caviar.”
I sip some water because the champagne really is gross. “True. There’s the pressure we’ve both faced from our influential families. Sure, it’s been two very different types of influence, but the pressure’s there all the same. Until that night … until you told me about the expectations that were put on you, I thought Brady was the only one who understood what it was like to be me.”
“Hooray for childhood trauma.”
I laugh but then wince. “Do you ever feel guilty when you complain about your childhood? Yeah, my parents are annoying, but I grew up with everything, so I shouldn’t complain.”
Levi looks down at his plate. “I do in some ways and don’t at the same time. It’s hard to put in words, but sometimes on my way home from school, you know, driven by our family chauffeur, whenever we’d drive by the public school, I wished I was a normal kid and not a Vanderbilt.”
“Ouch. Okay, I can say with absolutely no uncertainty that I’ve never wanted to trade my family—”
“Just have them arrested for kidnapping?”
“Exactly. So, yeah, you win that one.” I cock my head. “Or is it technically losing?”
Levi leans back in his chair and drinks his expensive champagne. “It is what it is.”
Learning that he hates his money and his name doesn’t change my perception of him. He still has that air of confidence that you get from growing up with the privilege we both had.
“How did you convince your dad to come to California for law school? Isn’t all your family businesses and money in Chicago or New York?”
“After the gay thing, he loosened the leash a bit. Not a lot, but some. I can create my own future. So long as it’s law. Across the other side of the country works well because all those rumors about one of the Vanderbilts being gay are bound by California law to stay in California. True story. Learned it in today’s law class.”