Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 87933 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87933 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
I don’t hold anything against the guys who were grateful for the experience and then went and found someone they could really be with, but after a while, it really did begin to feel like I was cursed. I might have passed it off as a joke to Blake, but it holds more weight than I let on.
Which is why Ben was a breath of fresh air. Not only did he want to keep hooking up with me, he wanted to be exclusive. Finally, someone who wanted to be with me, not just use me, but those doubts from past hookups where they wanted to explore with others made me want Ben to do it while he was still with me. I could’ve lived with him doing that so long as he came back to me.
But they never come back to me, and I should’ve known that.
I should have known that’s how it was going to end between us. I thought it was going to be scheduling conflicts when our run of movies together finally tapered off, but until that happened, the lines were clear.
And now … I should have bet Blake that Ben and Chad would be married within the year. That’s a bet I know I’ll win.
As for the stupid bet we’ve actually made … I don’t regret it even though I have a million reasons to.
Blake is interesting and fun, but he’s confusing too. He knows how to play his role, and I don’t mean Madden. He’s playing the part of Blake Monroe, a musician slash movie star, but that’s about as deep as I’ve gotten.
I know from his actions that he is kind and protective. He loves the guys from Eleven. But other than that, it’s like he adapts his behavior to suit his surroundings, not the other way around.
Is he in bed next to me because he really thinks it will help his acting, or is it that he’s been built up into so many different personas that when stripped bare, he finds himself lost without a path to follow?
I watch him in the dark, his hardened features of an action movie star softer with his eyes closed and jaw relaxed.
“Can I ask you something?” His eyes slowly open, like he could sense me staring.
“Sure.”
“Why do you really hate relationships?”
“Because they never work out isn’t a good enough reason for you?”
“Nope.”
“Why do you hate relationships?” I ask. “Because I know you don’t have them either.”
“I don’t have time for them, but if I found someone I really liked, I wouldn’t write it off. Isn’t love all about taking chances?”
“Love is … hard. At least for me. Others make it look easy, but I’m defective. I’ve never said the words I love you to anyone.”
“Not even Ben? Weren’t you together for almost a year?”
I bite my lip. “Whenever he’d say it, I’d do the whole ‘You too’ thing and move on. It’s not that I didn’t love him. Maybe? I cared for him. A lot. Probably more than I ever had with anyone. But I also knew there was no future, so—”
“Which is my point. I think you don’t give yourself over to love because you’re always anticipating when it’s going to end.”
That’s probably the truest statement anyone’s ever made of me, but I don’t want to admit it out loud.
“There has to be something you like about being in a relationship,” Blake says.
I like snuggling and being pressed against someone without the pretense of it having to lead to sex like it mostly means when dating, but I don’t want to tell Blake that either. It’s too … not on brand for what I want people to think of me. So I do what I do all the time when it comes to this topic. I lie.
“Nah, I’m the eternal bachelor type.”
“Mm, such a player.” Blake’s tone is too dry. Too … knowing. He’s calling me out without actually doing it, and it makes me go on the counter-offense.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were taunting me into making a move to prove myself.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from you, Jordan Brooks, it’s that you never bluff.”
That’s not entirely true. Sometimes it feels like my whole life is one big bluff, but one thing I do well is cover that up. Generally with a bigger bluff.
Exhibit A: “Just wait. One day soon, you’ll blink and then bam, suddenly I’ll be irresistible to you.”
“Can’t wait.”
The sad and pathetic part is, even though I know it’s a bad idea to want him, I can’t wait either.
There’s a theory that everyone has their own fatal flaw. Mine is always going after what I shouldn’t.
I wake up to an empty bed, which is probably a good thing. Somewhere in the middle of the night, I found a warmth at my side, an arm over my waist, and Blake’s head buried on my shoulder.