Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 138541 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 693(@200wpm)___ 554(@250wpm)___ 462(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 138541 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 693(@200wpm)___ 554(@250wpm)___ 462(@300wpm)
My mouth drops open, shock freezing my mind. I wasn’t expecting that. “But… you’re… I.”
“Have a good evening, Guinevere,” he hisses and leans back slightly so his eyes can glare into mine. “I’ll see you in two weeks.”
“But you said three.” I breathe, not trusting my voice to hold my emotions in check.
A sneer curves his lips and he narrows his eyes. I lean further back away from him so my head is against the wall. “Yes, well, clearly I’ve changed my mind.” He spins away from me and storms to his car. I clutch my chest with one hand, willing this pain to stop but knowing that it won’t.
I should never have used Dillan as a weapon and that’s exactly what I just did. I’m just… desperate. Now I’m not so sure what I am. After all that he just said, I’m not entirely sure I want to fix our relationship. Why do I feel like my heart is breaking? Do I…? No. I won’t even entertain the thought, especially when it comes to a four letter word that begins with L and ends with E.
With trembling hands I shut the door behind me. On legs of jelly, I make my way to the shower whilst Dillan still sleeps. I’m disgusting, and I’m not just talking about my flour covered body, I’m talking about my ability to threaten a man with taking away the only decent person he has in this world: my son.
*****
“You look sad.” My mum states as I cradle Dillan to my chest and rock backwards and forwards in his nursery on the rocking chair.
“I’m fine.” I lie and kiss Dillan’s sweet head, making him grumble and mewl slightly before settling once more. “Sasha can’t come tonight; she’s got a project due.”
“Tommy?”
I shrug. “I haven’t heard from him since he visited last.”
“Nathan?”
Ah, well, therein lies the problem. “Nathan’s being… difficult.”
“That’s not fair on you.”
“Yep,” I agree, but don’t delve further into the reasons behind my agreement. Nathan is an arsehole. The end. “I should go; I’m going to be late.”
She takes my son and strokes the back of my neck lovingly. “I’m sure he’ll come around.”
Somehow I don’t think he will. “Thanks Mum.”
“Go on, get to work.”
But I’m so tired. I spent all night tossing and turning, trying to figure out what to do next. Should I give up on Nathan or keep trying? Maybe I should just give him time. He obviously doesn’t want to see me right now. Maybe he’ll come around, or maybe I don’t want him to.
Do I need to speak to a solicitor?
I’m not sure what I’m doing.
Gah! This is why I couldn’t sleep. I need to stop obsessing over this. I’m in a good place right now. Nathan can wallow for the moment; I need to focus on my own life. “Kay.”
Work is slow, not because of a lack of customers, oh no, there are plenty of those. It’s just slow because I’m exhausted and troubled.
I miss Caleb so much. What would he do after I’d had a bad day at work? I can hardly remember. Maybe he’d cuddle me and kiss me, making it all better. Or maybe he’d rub my shoulders and kiss my neck before making love to me in an attempt to make me forget.
It seems like a life time has passed since he died. In reality it has only been seven months. I can barely recall the way he smelled, or the sound of his laugh, or the feel of his soft lips on mine.
The entire situation still angers me. I feel like I have nowhere safe to sit and weep any longer. Not because of a lack of a home, I have one of those, but because I’m scared that if I shed even the smallest tear, the floodgates will open and I’ll spiral into that darkness once more. Nothing, nowhere and nobody can stop my descent into that pit of despair. I just need to keep moving forward.
I wonder what life would be like if I didn’t have Dillan, if Caleb hadn’t left me pregnant. Would I be happier, or would I be a mess due to having no anchor in my life? Dillan is my anchor and he makes me happier than I think I’ve ever felt, but I still can’t help but wonder.
Although Nathan never would have taken me in if I hadn’t been pregnant. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
“I think that dough is done.” Valentine comments, pulling me from my thoughts.
She’s right; it was probably done about five minutes ago. I may have rolled it a little too much; it looks like a thin sheet of dough coloured paper, albeit a wonky one. Oops.
Tiffany pops her small head around the door. “Hot guy, up front. He’s back for his something special.”